restless tonight.
not even sure about what i'm restless.
the last scene from ed keeps replaying through my mind.
i know that has something to do with it, i'm just not sure what.

i guess i just want to be in that position again.
where i feel so strongly about a girl that those are the sorts of words that come out of my mouth.

and i want to be a guy that has some sort of firm foundation from which to say those words.

***** sent out an email today updating her life.
of course, the part that stuck out to me were her descriptions of her boyfriend.
the things he was involved in. the ministries. the excitment.
the vision and faith in action.

i look at my life and realize there's no way i deserve her.
i have nothing like that which to offer her right now.
i bring nothing to the table, as they say.

i so want to be there though.

and yet that can not be my only motivation.
where is God in all of this?
not, where is God in that He is somehow absent.
because i daresay He's not.

it's just, where is God in my life?
where is He working in me. through me.

how long has it been since His spirit has flown like living water from me?

days. months.
years.

sometimes i feel like such a fake talking about what i talk about.
like i'm putting on a show.
sure, some of it is real, but probably not nearly as much as what comes across.
and that's not right either.

how to change. how to change.

change comes from both sides, right?
He working to soften my heart. break my heart. change my heart.
mold me and make me after the will.
and me, surrendering.
surrendering.
yes, maarten, paul...less of me.

surrender and love.
pursuit of truth and justice and mercy.
clinging to all that which is good.
hiding his word in my heart.

but already i'm speaking of works. works.

love should be an outflow of the heart.

so it starts small.
with the little things, as they say.

liz spoke once of the little choices we make,
and, i think, how they somehow add up.
they form the framework of who we are.
and the foundation our desires get laid upon.

so, i say dear friends do not live by the flesh.
live by the spirit.

not your spirit, but His.

my spirit has had way too much leeway lately.
making choices and decisions that are selfish and self-seeking.
might as well be the prodigal, taking all my blessings and serving me.

somehow we've got to turn this ship around.

surrender.
surrender.
surrender.
and the greatest of these is love.