still restless.

what to say. what to say.
to do.

i have stilled and quieted my soul.

not exactly.

is my soul waiting in eager anticipation of something it sees on the horizon?
maybe it's the romance. the sacred.

hmm.

maybe.

restless tonight.
not even sure about what i'm restless.
the last scene from ed keeps replaying through my mind.
i know that has something to do with it, i'm just not sure what.

i guess i just want to be in that position again.
where i feel so strongly about a girl that those are the sorts of words that come out of my mouth.

and i want to be a guy that has some sort of firm foundation from which to say those words.

***** sent out an email today updating her life.
of course, the part that stuck out to me were her descriptions of her boyfriend.
the things he was involved in. the ministries. the excitment.
the vision and faith in action.

i look at my life and realize there's no way i deserve her.
i have nothing like that which to offer her right now.
i bring nothing to the table, as they say.

i so want to be there though.

and yet that can not be my only motivation.
where is God in all of this?
not, where is God in that He is somehow absent.
because i daresay He's not.

it's just, where is God in my life?
where is He working in me. through me.

how long has it been since His spirit has flown like living water from me?

days. months.
years.

sometimes i feel like such a fake talking about what i talk about.
like i'm putting on a show.
sure, some of it is real, but probably not nearly as much as what comes across.
and that's not right either.

how to change. how to change.

change comes from both sides, right?
He working to soften my heart. break my heart. change my heart.
mold me and make me after the will.
and me, surrendering.
surrendering.
yes, maarten, paul...less of me.

surrender and love.
pursuit of truth and justice and mercy.
clinging to all that which is good.
hiding his word in my heart.

but already i'm speaking of works. works.

love should be an outflow of the heart.

so it starts small.
with the little things, as they say.

liz spoke once of the little choices we make,
and, i think, how they somehow add up.
they form the framework of who we are.
and the foundation our desires get laid upon.

so, i say dear friends do not live by the flesh.
live by the spirit.

not your spirit, but His.

my spirit has had way too much leeway lately.
making choices and decisions that are selfish and self-seeking.
might as well be the prodigal, taking all my blessings and serving me.

somehow we've got to turn this ship around.

surrender.
surrender.
surrender.
and the greatest of these is love.

there are a lot of things you can compromise on in life
a new suit...yeah...
your dream house...maybe.
but the girl...

you can't compromise on the girl.

-ed

one is the loneliest number.

every day the dreamers die...
to see what lies on the other side.

-u2

call me quoteboy.

oh for the day when you finally meet her...
only to realize you've known her always
in your dreams.

-adapted from amelie

are you strong enough to be my man?
sheryl crow

can still you feel the butterflies?
jimmy eat world

driving home today i decided that maybe some of what i pass off as humility is just a defense mechanism. that i set expectations of myself in the minds of others low others so, maybe, they won't expect much of me, and so if i exceed the propaganda about myself that i put in other's minds, the better, and if i don't...well, i won't have anything to disappoint them with.

i want to please others too much. i think maybe i just need to live and do to the best of my ability, stop being so self-deprecating, and live with the consequences and benefits therein.

just a thought.

you're much sweeter than me by far.

you're much stronger than me by far.

~aaron sprinkle

what a remarkably wasted day.

congratulations.

for lack of a better analogy, i feel like i'm in a slump.
perhaps a more accurate analogy is that the spell is returning. or has returned.
i feel like i've been lost in the mists of lothlorien.

only it's not so beautiful here.

i feel ready to breakout.
not that i'm *prepared* to break out.
just ready.
far from prepared, really.
which is half the problem.

i've said it again and again, but it's like i'm on the edge of something great, but something keeps holding me back.
i have a feeling i know what it is.
paul called it the thorn in his side.
but he never let it completely hold him back.
obviously.
his chased him to God.

mine. well. it's enough of a distraction to chase me away.
not completely away, but just enough of a wedge to prevent intimacy.

sitting around watching ed tonight. wondering how much longer i'll still relate to the single guy who doesn't get the girl.
no, i'm not complaining about not getting the girl again. well, i don't think i am.

i'm just tired of being in the same place the last 6 years.

it's always the same.

school pressure. time management. choices. complexity.
living day to day. just trying to get through the next one.

i'm ready for something better. but i keep chaining myself to the floor.

no matter how different
you're just like everybody else.
no matter matter how hard you try to fit in
there's no one like you

you're just like everybody else.
there's no one like you.

and all of this just as i was beginning to have the most amazing dream...
and all of this just as i was beginning to have the most amazing dream...

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

let's begin again, shall we?