so.
trent and i are waiting for eric/shannon/lara to show up to see house of mirth.
we decide to go to the centennial across the street to buy a drink to take into the movie.
yeah, the national liquor joint.
so. trent grabs his coke. no problem.
i stroll up to the counter with my dr. pepper.
"can i see some ID please?"
eh?
"it's a dr. pepper."
"yeah, i know. can i see some ID?"
story of my life.
24 years old getting carded for a dr. pepper.
please do contain your laughter.
[test tomorrow. hopefully i can get back to updating this deal later.]
Sunday, February 18, 2001
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
(ready to fall apart)
-the violet burning
some old poems i've written:
myself around you
so how do i be myself around you
when my heart's doing all these crazy things
and this crazy fear that tugs at my heart
that fears i may not be all that you think
an irrational fear that feeds doubt instead of faith
faith that God will unite my soul with one
meant for me as i for her
so why hide behind any pretense of what i think
you want me to be
why not let my heart shine forth for what it is
a light that will draw you to me or force you away...
with you
how can i tame the desire of a soul
that longs to be with you...
to share a simple breeze with you
on a warm spring day,
or maybe silly laughter at some random nothing.
just to enjoy your smile, your eyes,
and the joy that fills my heart at your happiness.
perhaps just listen to your voice,
to close my eyes and enjoy any and every moment
you'd actually choose to spend with me,
hoping to connect with your amazing heart, mind, and soul...
===
i was restless again today.
my soul was not stilled and quieted.
an example:
i feel like my hands are tied...
struggling between thoughts/beliefs/ideas i'm beginning to buy into
about how i want my friendships/relationships to be...
of not arousing or awakening love, or thoughts thereof, until it so desires...
and i can't even say what i'm feeling is anywhere close to love...
but it's the whole courting deal, you know...
the wooing...
but where we are right now...i don't know...
jesus, please take me to where you want me to be.
better yet, can you just take me to you?
to abide in your peace awhile would be nice.
just to abide awhile in you at all would be nice.
Monday, February 12, 2001
funny.
sitting.
staring.
rummaging through the unused corners of my mind.
looking for the right words to say.
to express a bit of my heart.
trying to find the right balance.
to compliment without pushing you away.
seconds turn to minutes.
and still no words.
maybe that's enough.
(would you laugh if you knew
the struggle i had finding the words to tell you?)
sitting.
staring.
rummaging through the unused corners of my mind.
looking for the right words to say.
to express a bit of my heart.
trying to find the right balance.
to compliment without pushing you away.
seconds turn to minutes.
and still no words.
maybe that's enough.
(would you laugh if you knew
the struggle i had finding the words to tell you?)
Sunday, February 11, 2001
earlier today it was all i could do
to simply take my next breath...
now each breath is filled
with joy and wonder...
is it always like this?
"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest...I have stilled and quieted my soul...
The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming is gone."
from the Journey of Desire
to simply take my next breath...
now each breath is filled
with joy and wonder...
is it always like this?
"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest...I have stilled and quieted my soul...
The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming is gone."
from the Journey of Desire
Saturday, February 10, 2001
such a challenge to control my feelings.
"take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
i'm so overwhelmed sometimes.
is it healthy?
is it healthy to have these feelings?
is it healthy to suppress them?
more than that, is it right?
to have them? to not...
He says he knows my thoughts,
knows the groanings of my heart
before i even speak them.
but that doesn't make the struggle any easier.
all i can do is sit here with my head in my hands...
and hope my feeble attempts at surrender
somehow lead to the land of comfort
or at least the security of our Father's arms...
it all comes down to trust.
do I trust Him enough
to curl up in His lap and stay awhile
to cease striving...
and give up all my arranging, my planning...
hoping
yea, even believing He'll take care of everything...
in its own time, in the best possible way...
what good will all this worrying do me?
He takes care of the flowers in the field...
surely He'll take care of me...
cease striving.
"take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
i'm so overwhelmed sometimes.
is it healthy?
is it healthy to have these feelings?
is it healthy to suppress them?
more than that, is it right?
to have them? to not...
He says he knows my thoughts,
knows the groanings of my heart
before i even speak them.
but that doesn't make the struggle any easier.
all i can do is sit here with my head in my hands...
and hope my feeble attempts at surrender
somehow lead to the land of comfort
or at least the security of our Father's arms...
it all comes down to trust.
do I trust Him enough
to curl up in His lap and stay awhile
to cease striving...
and give up all my arranging, my planning...
hoping
yea, even believing He'll take care of everything...
in its own time, in the best possible way...
what good will all this worrying do me?
He takes care of the flowers in the field...
surely He'll take care of me...
cease striving.
Friday, February 09, 2001
I wrote this once after watching The Matrix. written originally to a girl i was dating at the time...
Can you see how much our life is really like the Matrix? Except, change all the little articificial intelligences with the devil. He all too often has us believing this lie of the world around us. He's manipulated this great "environment" for us to live in (for satan is the prince of this world) (or something like that)...and we get so caught up in this environment, in all the many things to do and see and experience...we're so transfixed by the things of this world, that we lose sight of the greater spiritual world, where things happen for eternity, where lives are at stake for eternity...yet we're too busy worrying about what we're going to do this weekend or this month or this year that we're oblivious to the reality of eternal significant things going on all around us all the time...much like all the humans are oblious to the fact, in the matrix, that they're being pacified by a program that gives them comfort, when in reality they're just power sources for artificial intelligences...
and there -is- this greater power too...God offers us so much, and has equiped us with so much, to further his kingdom and thwart satan's plans....He's given us the Holy Spirit as we learned about on sunday...who can teach and guide us into all things...much like those programs they used to learn kung fu and how to fly a helicopter...the Holy Spirit can use us, and our bodies, to go into satan's strongholds...that's one reason i think God wants to use us as His temples...so He's not just residing in power in one place but in many...but how often do we actual offer God a body pure and holy enough for Him to reside in...
plus the fact He's given us all these tools, these gifts to use in the fight to save souls from Hell...all these blessings that we're supposed to be using, to bless others in the church, but much more so to bless others not saved...all with the goal of bringing them back to God...
man, if only i could have a bit of this perspective every day as i walk...i just laid there after watching the movie, listening to rage against the machine...and thought about how much i've been missing out on this battle...i rarely, if ever, see the world as God does...like Neo when he finally could see the matrix for what it was, and use that to his advantage...i was thinking how awesome it would be to be able to see, every time we meet someone near, every person that passes us on the highway, every person we brush past in the mall...if we could see what God saw, the battles being fought in their life...the firey darts satan was throwing at them, and what God was doing in response in hopes that they might all be saved...there are so many battles...6 billion people on this planet...and how many thousands we cross paths with every day...how many of those lives do we actually touch?....how many should we? what are God's plans for us for reaching those?....you know, i'd like to think God's plan for me wasn't just to be a nice, compassionate, friendly doctor that cares geniunely for his patients, and uses his gifts, knowledge, medical skill to help those who may not otherwise get it...that's not God's ultimate goal for me...it may be a tool He's going to use along the way...all this stuff, it's just stuff...they're never the ultimate...i mean, dang...as much as i love you...that's not one of the "ultimates" either...true, so very true, it's a blessing, and knowing you has made my life so much better, and more fun to live and adds so much more joy to my life, etc etc...and even some of these other things in this "environment" we live in...many are blessings from God...but may we never focus so much on the blessings that we lose sight of eternity...
well...i guess it's not like i just figured all that out, i've seen/learned/thought about most all that before...and much of it may be wrong, i don't know (this was typed directly after watching the movie, with my thoughts still churning)...but i wanted to get down my thoughts in one of these rare, seemingly "clear" moments of clarity...i'll probably wake up in the morning and be back in my little box of a world, rarely taking notice of the big picture, the eternal picture...i mean...i'd like to think right now, that if i saw this clearly all the time, i'd never fall into sin, because i'd see it for what it was, ask God to do His thing, and just never fall, never let sin establish its power....but i rarely see this clearly, and i get so caught up in self and this little boxy environment around me, that God gets pushed to a back corner of the mind, making the way clear for sin to set up shop....
how can one live with this clarity? this "big picture" mentality that sees with God's eyes, that's in on God's major plan, His Will, His Purpose, His Vision...is it even possible? or are we just allowed little glimpses here and there? that seems to be the case most often...just little glimpses of light, giving us just enough to make it to the next splash of light in the darkness....but is this just the way God does it cause of the way we live? Would He ever give us a clearer picture if we lived more closely in step with His? My immediate thought is no...cause of all these examples of the Bible where people were just told to "go", or simply to "follow me", or to wait 40 days in jerusalem for His Spirit, or to walk 7 times around the walls, or to take 5 stones and go fight the giant...My next thought is that's just too bad...it'd seem so much easier if we were in on the "secret" as it were...would not the fight be much easier? But i guess that's where, inevitably, faith and obedience comes in...God still wants us to be faithful and obedient, and i guess these periods of darkness are prime ways to excercise things like faithfulness and obedience, but not only that, they're good times for the fruits of the spirit to be poured...goodness shines much more brightly in darkness, as does patience, gentleness, self-control, etc...and hopefully these are poured out on others...because, i guess too...those who live in darkness, are just that...living in darkness....and maybe these periods of darkness (ie times without clarity)...maybe they help us reach those in the darkness more effectively...giving us opportunity to point out the places of light, the One Source of light and life....
Can you see how much our life is really like the Matrix? Except, change all the little articificial intelligences with the devil. He all too often has us believing this lie of the world around us. He's manipulated this great "environment" for us to live in (for satan is the prince of this world) (or something like that)...and we get so caught up in this environment, in all the many things to do and see and experience...we're so transfixed by the things of this world, that we lose sight of the greater spiritual world, where things happen for eternity, where lives are at stake for eternity...yet we're too busy worrying about what we're going to do this weekend or this month or this year that we're oblivious to the reality of eternal significant things going on all around us all the time...much like all the humans are oblious to the fact, in the matrix, that they're being pacified by a program that gives them comfort, when in reality they're just power sources for artificial intelligences...
and there -is- this greater power too...God offers us so much, and has equiped us with so much, to further his kingdom and thwart satan's plans....He's given us the Holy Spirit as we learned about on sunday...who can teach and guide us into all things...much like those programs they used to learn kung fu and how to fly a helicopter...the Holy Spirit can use us, and our bodies, to go into satan's strongholds...that's one reason i think God wants to use us as His temples...so He's not just residing in power in one place but in many...but how often do we actual offer God a body pure and holy enough for Him to reside in...
plus the fact He's given us all these tools, these gifts to use in the fight to save souls from Hell...all these blessings that we're supposed to be using, to bless others in the church, but much more so to bless others not saved...all with the goal of bringing them back to God...
man, if only i could have a bit of this perspective every day as i walk...i just laid there after watching the movie, listening to rage against the machine...and thought about how much i've been missing out on this battle...i rarely, if ever, see the world as God does...like Neo when he finally could see the matrix for what it was, and use that to his advantage...i was thinking how awesome it would be to be able to see, every time we meet someone near, every person that passes us on the highway, every person we brush past in the mall...if we could see what God saw, the battles being fought in their life...the firey darts satan was throwing at them, and what God was doing in response in hopes that they might all be saved...there are so many battles...6 billion people on this planet...and how many thousands we cross paths with every day...how many of those lives do we actually touch?....how many should we? what are God's plans for us for reaching those?....you know, i'd like to think God's plan for me wasn't just to be a nice, compassionate, friendly doctor that cares geniunely for his patients, and uses his gifts, knowledge, medical skill to help those who may not otherwise get it...that's not God's ultimate goal for me...it may be a tool He's going to use along the way...all this stuff, it's just stuff...they're never the ultimate...i mean, dang...as much as i love you...that's not one of the "ultimates" either...true, so very true, it's a blessing, and knowing you has made my life so much better, and more fun to live and adds so much more joy to my life, etc etc...and even some of these other things in this "environment" we live in...many are blessings from God...but may we never focus so much on the blessings that we lose sight of eternity...
well...i guess it's not like i just figured all that out, i've seen/learned/thought about most all that before...and much of it may be wrong, i don't know (this was typed directly after watching the movie, with my thoughts still churning)...but i wanted to get down my thoughts in one of these rare, seemingly "clear" moments of clarity...i'll probably wake up in the morning and be back in my little box of a world, rarely taking notice of the big picture, the eternal picture...i mean...i'd like to think right now, that if i saw this clearly all the time, i'd never fall into sin, because i'd see it for what it was, ask God to do His thing, and just never fall, never let sin establish its power....but i rarely see this clearly, and i get so caught up in self and this little boxy environment around me, that God gets pushed to a back corner of the mind, making the way clear for sin to set up shop....
how can one live with this clarity? this "big picture" mentality that sees with God's eyes, that's in on God's major plan, His Will, His Purpose, His Vision...is it even possible? or are we just allowed little glimpses here and there? that seems to be the case most often...just little glimpses of light, giving us just enough to make it to the next splash of light in the darkness....but is this just the way God does it cause of the way we live? Would He ever give us a clearer picture if we lived more closely in step with His? My immediate thought is no...cause of all these examples of the Bible where people were just told to "go", or simply to "follow me", or to wait 40 days in jerusalem for His Spirit, or to walk 7 times around the walls, or to take 5 stones and go fight the giant...My next thought is that's just too bad...it'd seem so much easier if we were in on the "secret" as it were...would not the fight be much easier? But i guess that's where, inevitably, faith and obedience comes in...God still wants us to be faithful and obedient, and i guess these periods of darkness are prime ways to excercise things like faithfulness and obedience, but not only that, they're good times for the fruits of the spirit to be poured...goodness shines much more brightly in darkness, as does patience, gentleness, self-control, etc...and hopefully these are poured out on others...because, i guess too...those who live in darkness, are just that...living in darkness....and maybe these periods of darkness (ie times without clarity)...maybe they help us reach those in the darkness more effectively...giving us opportunity to point out the places of light, the One Source of light and life....
Thursday, February 08, 2001
you're the best that I wish I'd had...
you're the best that I wish I'd had...
starflyer 59
So the struggle continues...
why can't i just give up?
why is surrender so hard?
trust as a child, that's all He asks...
yet i'm just a selfish child...
mine, mine, mine...
wanting everything for me..
so self focused, no big picture...
that's a pretty dirty heart you got there, mister...
how about trading it in for a nice clean new one?
dirty. selfish.
it's all the same, isn't it.
i never make it to the land of moriah.
i take all i can while i can
cause i'm gonna get mine.
God, kill this heart of mine.
burn away all that is not in line with your ways
let nothing remain, except that which pleases you...
Listening to Jewel again tonight. Way too many memories associated with that CD. Spirit.
And it always makes me wonder how something so beautiful could turn so ugly.
And it always makes me wonder if I'll ever have something that beautiful again.
But the memory of what was beautiful somewhat strenghtens my faith
That perhaps God will again bless me with something beautiful in the future
But you've heard that story a thousand times before.
And it will probably be repeated a thousand times more.
I've begun to realize, well, I've known it for a long time now...
It just keeps hitting again and again...
that my emotions are way too easily swayed.
My hope is never constant. My eyes always fall to the waves crashing around.
Or perhaps my ears are a little too attentive to the seeds of doubt the enemy plants...
They're simple things really.
A couple holding hands.
A breathtaking sunset.
A warm spring day.
Do you know the fear?
Some quotes from a random website I found...
There is more to life than increasing the speed.
Mahatma Gandhi
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
Rainer Rilke
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Michelangelo
more to come later...
And it always makes me wonder how something so beautiful could turn so ugly.
And it always makes me wonder if I'll ever have something that beautiful again.
But the memory of what was beautiful somewhat strenghtens my faith
That perhaps God will again bless me with something beautiful in the future
But you've heard that story a thousand times before.
And it will probably be repeated a thousand times more.
I've begun to realize, well, I've known it for a long time now...
It just keeps hitting again and again...
that my emotions are way too easily swayed.
My hope is never constant. My eyes always fall to the waves crashing around.
Or perhaps my ears are a little too attentive to the seeds of doubt the enemy plants...
They're simple things really.
A couple holding hands.
A breathtaking sunset.
A warm spring day.
Do you know the fear?
Some quotes from a random website I found...
There is more to life than increasing the speed.
Mahatma Gandhi
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
Rainer Rilke
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Michelangelo
more to come later...
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