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radiohead-amnesiac

restless, restless, restless...always this feeling of restlessness...

...in need of a shakeup...?

maybe.

from jo-el

"Could someone explain to me why the U.S. threatened to
break the patent on Cipro after three anthrax deaths,
yet vigorously resists tampering with intellectual
property rights when someone suggests breaking the
patent on AIDS drugs for the sake of 25 million
infected Africans?"

- Philip Yancey in "Christianity Today"

pardon me while i burst into flames...
-incubus

tell me, does he ever get the girl?
-dashboard confessional

it seems i have no more will to fight. how can i keep this pace up of studying 16 hrs a day? for 2 more days?

it is now when the recent words of a couple of friends sing loudest in my mind.
along with reminders of why i'm here.

i can't help but doubt i will be any good at this.
that i'm learning what i need to.
or that i'll even pass the silly thing.

but i must go on, somehow, in this area where i never needed to exercise faith & trust before...
somehow i must trust that he can use, yes, even me...
despite any stress or frustration as the pressure mounts.
despi

in my mind, this week is pretty much over already...everyday is full of nothing but studying...and not enough time for that...

why do i always find myself wondering if you truly care for me like you say you do.

last night, driving in a car with friends...a study in contrasts.

the person to my right, front seat...a friend from med school.

the two in the back, friends from college, those i hang out with for the "fun stuff."

further highlighting the 2 very different lives i lead.

i wish i could somehow combine the two.

that those not involved in my training could understand what it's like for me.

or that those i'm friends with at school i could somehow relate to enough to want to hang out with outside of a school setting.

but i don't see that happening anytime soon.

and it's oh so very frustrating.

i meant to type this out yesterday or the day before, but didn't...so the words and ideas aren't as fresh...but, i need to try...

i was thinking about, i dunno...the perpetual question of where i am now. spiritually. mentally. and where God had planned for me to be. and how i've fallen so short, i'm sure. and how it seems i've let these past few years slip away...how i've fallen far too often into mediocrity and appeasement...how i've spent far too long playing in the mud....

then i think about all the great heroes of faith that have come before...and i have some hope that God can and still wants to use me...

i think of moses, and how he was living in rebellion and hiding in the desert for many years when God spoke to him through the burning bush.

ah, yes, the burning bush. that was where all these thoughts started yesterday.

how it seems way too often i find myself waiting for the next burning bush encounter to come along before i do anything. i can think of one time in my life that was very much a burning bush experience. one of thsoe god was so real moments that it almost felt like i had to ask him to back off a bit or i couldn't take it. but that was a long time ago. since then, there have been scattered moments of clarity when god's realness and presence in and around my life were tangible. moments where direction and clarity provided direction. but there hasn't been one of those moments in a while...and i find myself wondering if it always has to be that way. i think not.

because i have been wondering here lately that God still does have great plans for me. a friend recently sent me a word she felt God had for me, and this further confirmed that.

and so i think again on what you might call god's whisperings in my heart. thoughts that show up every now and then in such a way that make me think they are not of me but of God...

i won't write them out specifically here...but they are very much real...and maybe even true...

so, we'll see where this all goes...

but all those thoughts brought me back to my original comments...which were on the state of my life and how it seems i'm woefully off track for these seemingly far-reaching visions...

and, of course, that bings me back to moses.

or maybe peter, who denied jesus 3 times before becoming the true cornerstone of the church.
or paul, who didn't get his burning bush experience until after he had killed and persecuted who knows how many christians.
or maybe abraham, who took things into his own hands and had to wait 13 years for God to fulfill his promise...
or maybe david, who wasn't given the heir that would father the line that brought jesus until after he had messed around with bathsheba and began to see the manifestations of god's punishment for that in his life...

so...yeah, the bible is full of people like me, who denied god and turned their back on him in their own way, only to see Him and His faitufulness and his goodness shine through in the end...

and not for my glory...or theirs...oh no...but if all you want is to be used by God, then this grace and mercy and love and forgiveness is a very good thing...otherwise, i'd be condemned to living this life as a mediocre christian fit for being vomited out of my father's mouth....

let me follow you through fields of flowers.
let me ride wild horses with you through forest glades.
let me explore the beautiful mountain valleys with you by my side.

all i should like to have is one smile from you.
it would be enough to lift my heart from these doldrums.
enough to let me fly unfettered away from all that strives to bind my spirit.
running through tall grass, chasing the butterflies fleeing before our steps...
joyfully bounding with you without inhibitions.

let's dance in the crisp moonlight.
let's dance until the sun is up
and we collapse in exhausted joy,
as our eyes close locked in each other's clear gaze.

reminded tonight of two girls...love lost...

there have been a bunch of girls i've known who have taught me a great deal about who and what i'm looking for in a future relationship. personalities, characteristics...strengths, weaknesses...

but there have been two that just took my heart by storm...

i'm haunted by their memory.

i'm tempted more and more lately to think maybe my standards are too high. that somehow i'm looking for too much. that's it's too much to expect everything i'm looking for in anyone.

yet, it's not really like that...not really.

i think of those two...and they didn't fit .everything. i say i'm looking for.

they had a lot, but not everything i've mentioned/talked about/thought about/dreamed about.

yet, they still captured my heart and my eyes and my spirit like no others have.

it was something about them that said they were so much more than what i thought i wanted.

so, i'm not sure what to do about all that.

maybe my so-called standards are just some superficial .thing. god has put in place in my mind to keep me from relationships that might just be relationships for the sake of relationships.

cause, Lord knows otherwise i'd probably have asked out a ton more different girls.

yet, with those two notable exceptions, there's always been something to hold me back. something in me that says i want more.

hmm. maybe not more. maybe just different.

and, it's not like these "other" girls don't have a ton of amazing, christ-like characteristics.

in fact, i kick myself often for not "falling" for them.

i wonder how i could ever look another way.

but something, yes, something always holds me back.

you can't compromise on the girl, he says.

i wonder sometimes what it is you'd be compromising.

maybe it's better left undefined.

maybe i'll just keep waiting until that undefined something comes along again.

that undetermined someone who captures me like no other.

i have to have faith that that's not too much to ask.

albums and songs that take you to a different place:

first, songs (these are what really get me...individual songs moreso than long albums):

the b52s: love shack
roxette: it must have been love
sinead oconnor: nothing compares to you
---these and others always bring me back to 7th grade, iowa, reading david eddings and raymond feist for hours on end in my little makeshift room in the basement

ub40: red red wine: memories of my first "girlfriend's" birthday in 7th grade...party at her friends house...playing *coughspinthebottlecough*...not being brave enough to actually kiss her ...first girl i bought anything for, etc...

counting crows: round here
sarah mclachlan: angel
--flashback to senior year, janterm, when i did a very non-shane type of thing and went for the first kiss with the girl i was rather enamored with...first journey into what was a beautiful relationship...

some albums:

petra: beyond belief - similar to dc talk...it actually was more of "the summer before freshman year" album, as that was all we listened to that summer, blasting the speakers...still remember the guys i hung out with that summer...riding the bikes, playing hoops, playing nintendo...

magdallan: big bang- first ever "heavy" album i owned...brings me back to the middle-high school years...

dc talk: nu thang - first time i heard this was on some youth group trip with a bunch of the juniors/seniors while i was in 8th grade...i remember the anticipation on the voices of the others in the van as they talked about this new album that was "unlike anything else i'd heard"...i still remember the first low roar coming over the speakers and thinking "what .is. this?"...flashback to early high school and the hanging out with the guys and whatever

poor old lu: sin - still have memories of driving around in my 1980 datsun with this thing blasting through the tiny crappy speakers

sarach mclachlan: stumbling towards ecstasy - first album that i listened to that i knew my parents wouldn't like...reminders of the year after breaking up with my first girlfriend...

the prayer chain: shawl - changed my musical tastes forever. still remember the day i bought it, racing home, and listening to it over and over, laying on the floor of my room, reading the lyrics, being amazed...

dc talk: jesus freak-memories of freshman year, 4th floor dean hall...the guys...some of you know who i'm talking about...and memories of getting 2nd row tickets to the jesus freak show, and how my athiest friend whose favorite bands were korn and nin wanted to come because he liked the album so much...

sf59: americana: memories of sophomore year and listening to this over and over...hanging out with jt and, i think, shannon listening to it...

enter the worship circle: the first circle: memories of senior year college, the 2nd and last girl i dated...

the violet burning: i am a stranger in this place: i will forever associate this with the first time i heard tvb live...cstone 2000...being in a place of worship i have been few times before or since...

cush-s/t - will forever remember sitting there all day at cornerstone 2000 listening to this over and over with lara and the girl next door, waiting for the first ever cush concert that night

still restless.

what to say. what to say.
to do.

i have stilled and quieted my soul.

not exactly.

is my soul waiting in eager anticipation of something it sees on the horizon?
maybe it's the romance. the sacred.

hmm.

maybe.

restless tonight.
not even sure about what i'm restless.
the last scene from ed keeps replaying through my mind.
i know that has something to do with it, i'm just not sure what.

i guess i just want to be in that position again.
where i feel so strongly about a girl that those are the sorts of words that come out of my mouth.

and i want to be a guy that has some sort of firm foundation from which to say those words.

***** sent out an email today updating her life.
of course, the part that stuck out to me were her descriptions of her boyfriend.
the things he was involved in. the ministries. the excitment.
the vision and faith in action.

i look at my life and realize there's no way i deserve her.
i have nothing like that which to offer her right now.
i bring nothing to the table, as they say.

i so want to be there though.

and yet that can not be my only motivation.
where is God in all of this?
not, where is God in that He is somehow absent.
because i daresay He's not.

it's just, where is God in my life?
where is He working in me. through me.

how long has it been since His spirit has flown like living water from me?

days. months.
years.

sometimes i feel like such a fake talking about what i talk about.
like i'm putting on a show.
sure, some of it is real, but probably not nearly as much as what comes across.
and that's not right either.

how to change. how to change.

change comes from both sides, right?
He working to soften my heart. break my heart. change my heart.
mold me and make me after the will.
and me, surrendering.
surrendering.
yes, maarten, paul...less of me.

surrender and love.
pursuit of truth and justice and mercy.
clinging to all that which is good.
hiding his word in my heart.

but already i'm speaking of works. works.

love should be an outflow of the heart.

so it starts small.
with the little things, as they say.

liz spoke once of the little choices we make,
and, i think, how they somehow add up.
they form the framework of who we are.
and the foundation our desires get laid upon.

so, i say dear friends do not live by the flesh.
live by the spirit.

not your spirit, but His.

my spirit has had way too much leeway lately.
making choices and decisions that are selfish and self-seeking.
might as well be the prodigal, taking all my blessings and serving me.

somehow we've got to turn this ship around.

surrender.
surrender.
surrender.
and the greatest of these is love.

there are a lot of things you can compromise on in life
a new suit...yeah...
your dream house...maybe.
but the girl...

you can't compromise on the girl.

-ed

one is the loneliest number.

every day the dreamers die...
to see what lies on the other side.

-u2

call me quoteboy.

oh for the day when you finally meet her...
only to realize you've known her always
in your dreams.

-adapted from amelie

are you strong enough to be my man?
sheryl crow

can still you feel the butterflies?
jimmy eat world

driving home today i decided that maybe some of what i pass off as humility is just a defense mechanism. that i set expectations of myself in the minds of others low others so, maybe, they won't expect much of me, and so if i exceed the propaganda about myself that i put in other's minds, the better, and if i don't...well, i won't have anything to disappoint them with.

i want to please others too much. i think maybe i just need to live and do to the best of my ability, stop being so self-deprecating, and live with the consequences and benefits therein.

just a thought.

you're much sweeter than me by far.

you're much stronger than me by far.

~aaron sprinkle

what a remarkably wasted day.

congratulations.

for lack of a better analogy, i feel like i'm in a slump.
perhaps a more accurate analogy is that the spell is returning. or has returned.
i feel like i've been lost in the mists of lothlorien.

only it's not so beautiful here.

i feel ready to breakout.
not that i'm *prepared* to break out.
just ready.
far from prepared, really.
which is half the problem.

i've said it again and again, but it's like i'm on the edge of something great, but something keeps holding me back.
i have a feeling i know what it is.
paul called it the thorn in his side.
but he never let it completely hold him back.
obviously.
his chased him to God.

mine. well. it's enough of a distraction to chase me away.
not completely away, but just enough of a wedge to prevent intimacy.

sitting around watching ed tonight. wondering how much longer i'll still relate to the single guy who doesn't get the girl.
no, i'm not complaining about not getting the girl again. well, i don't think i am.

i'm just tired of being in the same place the last 6 years.

it's always the same.

school pressure. time management. choices. complexity.
living day to day. just trying to get through the next one.

i'm ready for something better. but i keep chaining myself to the floor.

no matter how different
you're just like everybody else.
no matter matter how hard you try to fit in
there's no one like you

you're just like everybody else.
there's no one like you.

and all of this just as i was beginning to have the most amazing dream...
and all of this just as i was beginning to have the most amazing dream...

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

let's begin again, shall we?