sometimes you don't realize how much of a burden/stress load/weight/etc you were carrying until it's passed. it's nice to be free of that, even if for only 2 weeks.
dang, all i have to look forward to now is...
.two certain somebodies coming down for a visit from omaha.
.catching up on my reading.
.catching up on emails.
.catching up with and just plain hanging out with friends again.
.enjoying this beautiful weather.
.playing the playstation without guilt. well, not too much guilt.
.catching up on ed/the x-files/other shows.
.cleaning my room (yes, i'm looking forward to a clean room).
.christmas.
.new years.
.buying food so i'll actually have something to eat.
.decorating ab it.
etc. etc.
Friday, December 21, 2001
Monday, December 17, 2001
so, there are some new developments in my life i'd like to inform you of.
1. i want to take voice lessons. seriously. i probably have the worst singing voice south of the red river. so that's what i want to do. i still have this dream of doing worship circle type stuff in the dallas area that i can't shake. so, i'm not going to be like moses and ask someone to speak (sing) for me. we'll see how that goes.
2. saw an old friend i hadn't seen in a while last night. he's another of my old dc talk buddies. went to every show in a 6 hr radius of dallas, just about. he's also in my wedding. well, turns out he's in a punk band now. go figure. small town guy just like me, long time fan of dc talk (yes, well, we have matured some since then), writing punk music. crazy stuff. his band has this rocking name. red five standing by. i think that's cool too. also, they right really fun songs about all the girls who have dumped them. i think this is also cool. check it out at www.redfivestandingby.com. i want to be cool like them. so i think i'll try my hand at writing music. don't you think that would make me cool? lord knows i've got enough stories to tell. which makes me cool. and, when it's all in good fun, no one will care how much it sucks. cool, eh?
3. so, i'm going to be taking voice lessons and writing music. shoot, i could pull a jason martin and record all the parts myself. i've got a seldomly used bass, guitar, and drum set all within 20 feet of me. you heard it here first. now all i need is a name. and a few songs. and a fan or two.
4. the playstation will be my undoing.
5. i am still decidely uncool.
6. supposedly i don't give myself enough credit when it comes to the girls. wish i had a dollar for every time i heard that. well, make that a few thousand dollars, then i wouldn't have to finish school. whatever. if that is the case, please tell that to the last two girls i fell head over feet for. they might be glad to know that i don't give myself enough credit. oh. wait. too late, they're already married or engaged...shucks.
7. the coolest thing i saw on the red five standing by site went something like this.
question: "Good with girls?" answer: 919-660-3922, 813-994-2542, 404-765-8002, 713-840-8812, 704-875-6552, 334-844-1262, 512-472-6682, 979-764-0042...call a few of them and find out for yourself
(admit it, you're laughing too...)
8. i've managed to waste 4 hours already today. oh. wait. that's not new news.
1. i want to take voice lessons. seriously. i probably have the worst singing voice south of the red river. so that's what i want to do. i still have this dream of doing worship circle type stuff in the dallas area that i can't shake. so, i'm not going to be like moses and ask someone to speak (sing) for me. we'll see how that goes.
2. saw an old friend i hadn't seen in a while last night. he's another of my old dc talk buddies. went to every show in a 6 hr radius of dallas, just about. he's also in my wedding. well, turns out he's in a punk band now. go figure. small town guy just like me, long time fan of dc talk (yes, well, we have matured some since then), writing punk music. crazy stuff. his band has this rocking name. red five standing by. i think that's cool too. also, they right really fun songs about all the girls who have dumped them. i think this is also cool. check it out at www.redfivestandingby.com. i want to be cool like them. so i think i'll try my hand at writing music. don't you think that would make me cool? lord knows i've got enough stories to tell. which makes me cool. and, when it's all in good fun, no one will care how much it sucks. cool, eh?
3. so, i'm going to be taking voice lessons and writing music. shoot, i could pull a jason martin and record all the parts myself. i've got a seldomly used bass, guitar, and drum set all within 20 feet of me. you heard it here first. now all i need is a name. and a few songs. and a fan or two.
4. the playstation will be my undoing.
5. i am still decidely uncool.
6. supposedly i don't give myself enough credit when it comes to the girls. wish i had a dollar for every time i heard that. well, make that a few thousand dollars, then i wouldn't have to finish school. whatever. if that is the case, please tell that to the last two girls i fell head over feet for. they might be glad to know that i don't give myself enough credit. oh. wait. too late, they're already married or engaged...shucks.
7. the coolest thing i saw on the red five standing by site went something like this.
question: "Good with girls?" answer: 919-660-3922, 813-994-2542, 404-765-8002, 713-840-8812, 704-875-6552, 334-844-1262, 512-472-6682, 979-764-0042...call a few of them and find out for yourself
(admit it, you're laughing too...)
8. i've managed to waste 4 hours already today. oh. wait. that's not new news.
Friday, December 07, 2001
well, my sister's wedding was yesterday.
and since my blog page is down with this @home crap, i'm posting some stuff here. this will be more about me and my thoughts and less about what the actual wedding was like.
it didn't really hit me that my sister was getting married until i was walking my mom down the aisle. then i thought, "dang, i'm walking my mom down the aisle for my sister's wedding. wow."
i'm usually pretty strong about where i stand with girlfriends and relationships, or more specifically the lack thereof. but yesterday was tough. coming one day after my 25th birthday, still nowhere close to not being single (no comments on this, please...i'm tired of talking about the "there's a ton of girls that would like you" stuff...cause it's never someone i want it most to be, unfortunately...).
anyway, i can't count how many times i was asked (and, of course i saw this coming, but one can never prepare oneself for this), "so, when is yours?" or "are you next?" or "still single?" or "you better hurry up and find someone" or "your letting all the good ones get away" or whatever. (yeah, they said it "your letting" not "you're letting" )
i think the best example of such an interaction was when my dad's sister asked, "so, how many more years do you have?" referring, of course, to when i would be next. i just laughed (ha) and said, "oh, i was hoping i'd live for another 50 years of so." funny to me at the time, anyway.
not so bad, really, looking at each individual encounter. but repeat the above 25 times and it starts hitting you from different weird angles. you can only do that nice little superficial laugh and makes jokes shrugging it off and say things like "my 15 year-old sister will probably beat me to it" and "hey, yeah, i hope it's me next" and "cross your fingers" and "maybe i'll get lucky someday soon" so many times.
and, to top things off, heidi was there. the girl who i've wanted to win for the past 2 years. who is probably days away from getting engaged to someone else, after basically rejecting my courtship. oh, sure, she values my friendship. but she wants to spend her life with someone else.
"your eyes shine for someone else." -honey
i asked my mom, who was a college roommate of *****'s mom and knows her fairly well, where i went wrong with *****. she said, "God just has someone better for you." true, probably. and maybe 40 years from now i'll look back and agree with her statement.
i just have a hard time believing it this, the 2nd day of december at 5:15 in the evening.
so, my heart ached for the rest of the day yesterday. it was a struggle to keep the tears back. they just rested there, a gentle weight threatening to tear down my defenses with one soft stroke.
i don't know what it is, really. i'd love to be able to fall for some of the girls that have expressed an interest me over the past couple of the years. heck, i'd love to fall for any one of them. but i just can't. *it's* just not there. they are great, beautiful women of God, and will do great things for Him with whoever they end up with. but that yearning to spend my life with them just isn't there. and, of course, it's not anything i am consciously choosing. you can't force love. so i know i shouldn't feel bad about it, but sometimes i do.
and, so, maybe that's how it was with *****. or ******. the two girls in my life that were pretty much everything i thought i wanted. and i'm sure God will show me otherwise. and i'm so very happy for them where they are now, and they're both good friends to this day. but maybe that's how they felt about me. thought i was a great guy and all that, but just didn't have that something that would have made them fall for me. if that makes any sense. maybe i can take the optimistic view that it works both ways sometimes.
anyway. that was a tough day. and, i must admit, there is that lingering fear that i'm "letting the good ones slip away." i suppose those thoughts were inevitable.
i'm not, at least for now, going to shy away from everything i dream of finding in someone. it's just sometimes hard to believe someone else out there, somewhere, is waiting to find me. after all these years.
(sheesh, i'm only 25. why the heck are these thoughts even around. hopefully it's just a "phase" that happened to be exacerbated by the wedding and the birthday. we'll see.)
(though i think part of the problem is everyone i looked up to growing up, especially my youth pastor who i admired so much, were all married happily to lovely people by the time they were 24 or 25. i think i was just expecting too much. and eldredge has taught me a lot about expectations, and how easily they are misplaced.)
and since my blog page is down with this @home crap, i'm posting some stuff here. this will be more about me and my thoughts and less about what the actual wedding was like.
it didn't really hit me that my sister was getting married until i was walking my mom down the aisle. then i thought, "dang, i'm walking my mom down the aisle for my sister's wedding. wow."
i'm usually pretty strong about where i stand with girlfriends and relationships, or more specifically the lack thereof. but yesterday was tough. coming one day after my 25th birthday, still nowhere close to not being single (no comments on this, please...i'm tired of talking about the "there's a ton of girls that would like you" stuff...cause it's never someone i want it most to be, unfortunately...).
anyway, i can't count how many times i was asked (and, of course i saw this coming, but one can never prepare oneself for this), "so, when is yours?" or "are you next?" or "still single?" or "you better hurry up and find someone" or "your letting all the good ones get away" or whatever. (yeah, they said it "your letting" not "you're letting" )
i think the best example of such an interaction was when my dad's sister asked, "so, how many more years do you have?" referring, of course, to when i would be next. i just laughed (ha) and said, "oh, i was hoping i'd live for another 50 years of so." funny to me at the time, anyway.
not so bad, really, looking at each individual encounter. but repeat the above 25 times and it starts hitting you from different weird angles. you can only do that nice little superficial laugh and makes jokes shrugging it off and say things like "my 15 year-old sister will probably beat me to it" and "hey, yeah, i hope it's me next" and "cross your fingers" and "maybe i'll get lucky someday soon" so many times.
and, to top things off, heidi was there. the girl who i've wanted to win for the past 2 years. who is probably days away from getting engaged to someone else, after basically rejecting my courtship. oh, sure, she values my friendship. but she wants to spend her life with someone else.
"your eyes shine for someone else." -honey
i asked my mom, who was a college roommate of *****'s mom and knows her fairly well, where i went wrong with *****. she said, "God just has someone better for you." true, probably. and maybe 40 years from now i'll look back and agree with her statement.
i just have a hard time believing it this, the 2nd day of december at 5:15 in the evening.
so, my heart ached for the rest of the day yesterday. it was a struggle to keep the tears back. they just rested there, a gentle weight threatening to tear down my defenses with one soft stroke.
i don't know what it is, really. i'd love to be able to fall for some of the girls that have expressed an interest me over the past couple of the years. heck, i'd love to fall for any one of them. but i just can't. *it's* just not there. they are great, beautiful women of God, and will do great things for Him with whoever they end up with. but that yearning to spend my life with them just isn't there. and, of course, it's not anything i am consciously choosing. you can't force love. so i know i shouldn't feel bad about it, but sometimes i do.
and, so, maybe that's how it was with *****. or ******. the two girls in my life that were pretty much everything i thought i wanted. and i'm sure God will show me otherwise. and i'm so very happy for them where they are now, and they're both good friends to this day. but maybe that's how they felt about me. thought i was a great guy and all that, but just didn't have that something that would have made them fall for me. if that makes any sense. maybe i can take the optimistic view that it works both ways sometimes.
anyway. that was a tough day. and, i must admit, there is that lingering fear that i'm "letting the good ones slip away." i suppose those thoughts were inevitable.
i'm not, at least for now, going to shy away from everything i dream of finding in someone. it's just sometimes hard to believe someone else out there, somewhere, is waiting to find me. after all these years.
(sheesh, i'm only 25. why the heck are these thoughts even around. hopefully it's just a "phase" that happened to be exacerbated by the wedding and the birthday. we'll see.)
(though i think part of the problem is everyone i looked up to growing up, especially my youth pastor who i admired so much, were all married happily to lovely people by the time they were 24 or 25. i think i was just expecting too much. and eldredge has taught me a lot about expectations, and how easily they are misplaced.)
Sunday, December 02, 2001
Friday, November 30, 2001
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
posted July 20, 2001 01:22 AM
====
...some thoughts from don chaffer of waterdeep, that is. this was in their liner notes from "you are so good to me." i thought it very apt. especially the rope imagery and the last paragraph.
====
1. There are seasons of life in which we wake up each morning with the fulfilled dreams of victory, love, satisfaction, and resolution ringing in our ears. The morning air rushes in with the promise that anything can happen, God is nearby, and we are really loved. Worship is, at these times, a gift - a way of saying thank you. Thank you, God because whether I was aware of it or not, whether I sought You through this experience or not, I see you in it now, and I am so grateful for Your kindness towards me.
2. There are other seasons of life...in whicch it feels like we're at the bottom of a well-deep dark, and muddy. In our worst moments, we can no longer see the mouth of the well, and we sometimes wonder if there even is one. Worship, at these moments in particular, becomes a rope. Even if we have no strength to climb it, our cold and lonely fingers wrapped around its braid become a symbol that we are still connected to something, someone, in the world above-the world with skies, trees, rivers, and kind people whom we miss terribly.
3. And then there are seasons in which we feel that perhaps nothing is terribly wrong, and nothing is terribly right. We are somewhere on the plains, in the middle of the country, looking for miles with no trees to break our view, no valleys, no mountains. We are well air-conditioned, well fed, well attended by people who neither agree with us too passionately, nor diagree with us too strongly. We are happy, we guess, but we don't think we remember how happniness feels, or whether it is what we thought it was. Worship is, at these times, a bell. It rings to remind us that life, while it may seem vapid and featureless, is truly a tremendous affair. It is birth and death, suffering and resurrection. The clear sound of that bell on the wind tells us that the lull of comfort does not mean that God is far off or irrelevant. He is always near and always in love, always holy, and always coming...He is coming. He will finish things here, and begin a new kind of kingdom-a world without end. He will reign over his subjects who have been changed to be like Him, full of love, peace, and joy forever and ever. May this King be praised. Amen.
====
...some thoughts from don chaffer of waterdeep, that is. this was in their liner notes from "you are so good to me." i thought it very apt. especially the rope imagery and the last paragraph.
====
1. There are seasons of life in which we wake up each morning with the fulfilled dreams of victory, love, satisfaction, and resolution ringing in our ears. The morning air rushes in with the promise that anything can happen, God is nearby, and we are really loved. Worship is, at these times, a gift - a way of saying thank you. Thank you, God because whether I was aware of it or not, whether I sought You through this experience or not, I see you in it now, and I am so grateful for Your kindness towards me.
2. There are other seasons of life...in whicch it feels like we're at the bottom of a well-deep dark, and muddy. In our worst moments, we can no longer see the mouth of the well, and we sometimes wonder if there even is one. Worship, at these moments in particular, becomes a rope. Even if we have no strength to climb it, our cold and lonely fingers wrapped around its braid become a symbol that we are still connected to something, someone, in the world above-the world with skies, trees, rivers, and kind people whom we miss terribly.
3. And then there are seasons in which we feel that perhaps nothing is terribly wrong, and nothing is terribly right. We are somewhere on the plains, in the middle of the country, looking for miles with no trees to break our view, no valleys, no mountains. We are well air-conditioned, well fed, well attended by people who neither agree with us too passionately, nor diagree with us too strongly. We are happy, we guess, but we don't think we remember how happniness feels, or whether it is what we thought it was. Worship is, at these times, a bell. It rings to remind us that life, while it may seem vapid and featureless, is truly a tremendous affair. It is birth and death, suffering and resurrection. The clear sound of that bell on the wind tells us that the lull of comfort does not mean that God is far off or irrelevant. He is always near and always in love, always holy, and always coming...He is coming. He will finish things here, and begin a new kind of kingdom-a world without end. He will reign over his subjects who have been changed to be like Him, full of love, peace, and joy forever and ever. May this King be praised. Amen.
Friday, November 23, 2001
Tuesday, November 20, 2001
Monday, April 02, 2001
kindred spirts are beautiful. i just wish i had one that stayed in my life for more than just a couple of weeks or months. i've had seasons where i've met someone who "gets" a little of me and i "get" a little of them...guy or girl...but it never lasts, but it'd be nice if it did...
i don't know why i've never had a guy that was a kindred spirit. i don't know if that's even a weird concept. i don't ever hear guys talking about soulmates, unless it's talking about a girl. and me, well, i've just never met anyone i wanted to share that much of myself with. and i know trent or todd or ryan or zech or shannon or eric will read this and perhaps wonder the same thing, but i don't know that i have an answer. it's just easier this way, i guess. and i guess in some ways i just assume they won't understand me, even if i took the time to share...
and, yeah, i wish i could find a girl/the girl that would fit that description. i think that's why i've been looking so long and dated so few. i don't want to date just anyone. i want to date someone i could share anything with, and share everything i am forever.
not just for a few months. there's too much energy involved. reaching outside of myself is hard enough as it is. so i'll just keep to myself until then. i want it to be something that lasts. that has some sort of eternal quality to it.
but, yeah, until I can say the same thing to my Father, why should i even think about a kindred spirit here on earth?
i don't know what else to add now. i'm feeling rather shallow right now. but, yeah, like everyone else said...thanks for sharing...
from the Singer:
Two artists met one time within a little wood. Each brought his finest paiting stroked by his complete uniqueness. When each revealed his canvas to the other--they were identical.
So once in every solar system there are two fingerprints alike.
But only once.
==
I'd like to be one of those two artists, one day...
i don't know why i've never had a guy that was a kindred spirit. i don't know if that's even a weird concept. i don't ever hear guys talking about soulmates, unless it's talking about a girl. and me, well, i've just never met anyone i wanted to share that much of myself with. and i know trent or todd or ryan or zech or shannon or eric will read this and perhaps wonder the same thing, but i don't know that i have an answer. it's just easier this way, i guess. and i guess in some ways i just assume they won't understand me, even if i took the time to share...
and, yeah, i wish i could find a girl/the girl that would fit that description. i think that's why i've been looking so long and dated so few. i don't want to date just anyone. i want to date someone i could share anything with, and share everything i am forever.
not just for a few months. there's too much energy involved. reaching outside of myself is hard enough as it is. so i'll just keep to myself until then. i want it to be something that lasts. that has some sort of eternal quality to it.
but, yeah, until I can say the same thing to my Father, why should i even think about a kindred spirit here on earth?
i don't know what else to add now. i'm feeling rather shallow right now. but, yeah, like everyone else said...thanks for sharing...
from the Singer:
Two artists met one time within a little wood. Each brought his finest paiting stroked by his complete uniqueness. When each revealed his canvas to the other--they were identical.
So once in every solar system there are two fingerprints alike.
But only once.
==
I'd like to be one of those two artists, one day...
man. worship. such an amazing thing. to think that the God of this universe, lacking in nothing, desires us to worship Him. what can we possibly give Him? how can we possibly contribute to the proclamation of His greatness? Yet it pleases Him. He says He inhabits our praise. we, filthy menstrual rags that we are, can somehow give Him glory. The angels in their greatness praise Him neverending, and yet He still longs to hear us give Him glory, longs to see our lives giving Him glory...
and, yeah, that's all too often what i use worship for. looking for something to refresh me, to fill me up. i got an email from this local Bible study, prompting us to come to worship to get refreshed for the week. yeah. i'm sure that's part of it, and God loves to bring refreshment and newness and a sense of "rightness" to His children, but how often do I sit down to worship to actually try to be about proclaiming the greatness of our Lord with every atom in my being.
"it's all about You, Jesus (i'm sorry for the things i've made it)."
and i also identified with the whole issue of weakness. especially here lately (as in the past year or so). and i think for me it's less of an issue of me thinking i'm strong on my own, or that i'm a strong person per se, though i think i am in various ways, just not in the ways you were mentioning about yourself, anyway...for me it's more of an issue where i've done some things that have really hurt God and done some things that cause me to feel like i don't deserve His strength, even in my weakness.
this is making no sense.
i guess i'm just trying to say that i feel weak a lot, but don't really look to Him for strength, as opposed to feeling strong a lot and then not letting Him be strong in my weaknesses.
but that's just me. (maybe).
but i think it's awesome God's been showing that to you. it's cool to read about how God is working in other people's lives, and to know that it doesn't (and rarely is) the same for each individual.
and, yeah, that's all too often what i use worship for. looking for something to refresh me, to fill me up. i got an email from this local Bible study, prompting us to come to worship to get refreshed for the week. yeah. i'm sure that's part of it, and God loves to bring refreshment and newness and a sense of "rightness" to His children, but how often do I sit down to worship to actually try to be about proclaiming the greatness of our Lord with every atom in my being.
"it's all about You, Jesus (i'm sorry for the things i've made it)."
and i also identified with the whole issue of weakness. especially here lately (as in the past year or so). and i think for me it's less of an issue of me thinking i'm strong on my own, or that i'm a strong person per se, though i think i am in various ways, just not in the ways you were mentioning about yourself, anyway...for me it's more of an issue where i've done some things that have really hurt God and done some things that cause me to feel like i don't deserve His strength, even in my weakness.
this is making no sense.
i guess i'm just trying to say that i feel weak a lot, but don't really look to Him for strength, as opposed to feeling strong a lot and then not letting Him be strong in my weaknesses.
but that's just me. (maybe).
but i think it's awesome God's been showing that to you. it's cool to read about how God is working in other people's lives, and to know that it doesn't (and rarely is) the same for each individual.
Sunday, March 25, 2001
responses to the mar 24 deal:
trent
i know this feeling. it's a slightly different feeling for me, but yeah, the heart of these words drive really deep within me.
i sit here morning after morning at work and ponder what's missing...what is keeping me from being more of the 'bride' of Christ that i know He is calling me to be? so yeah, i'm not sure how to express what i'm feeling well either, but i do know this...i'm tired of 'living'. i'm tired of just going on day after day and not being used, not making a difference. it seems that the past few years have just been a really dry time for me. i miss the fire. i miss the closeness to God that i had a while back. i miss the communication with Him that used to include almost every aspect of my day and not just during a quiet time in the morning or evening. i hate the fact that the only time i feel close to God any more is during a time of worship or one of the few quiet times where i actually think i see a glimpse of Him. i long for the intimacy that i once had with Him. where has it gone? why have i become content with just living, just getting by?
i'm feeling so much more, but the words are just not there.
todd
amen and amen
i just had a conversation with a student yesterday about how we medicate ourselves and settle for so much less than we could have...
but i also commented how that medication becomes addiction, b/c it gradually takes more and more to cover the sham that is a life lived apart from God....
the frail disguise grows thinner each day, and each day i am presented with the choice of medicating myself with more of my drugs or a new combination of drugs... or i could choose to leave the drugs and, feeling the burn of withdrawl, really live...
Liz
i know you and i haven't ever really talked before, but hey...you and jill are friends, and so i feel i can reply to this.
a. c.s. lewis is my fave, and i can see you own at least a few of his books, i recognized my favorite part from "the weight of glory." i *love* that part.
b. are you me? every frustration of yours is also mine.
i have come to a place where i have so many questions that i don't have answers to. and so i have to hang on. i know that there must be an element of faith working in me. b/c even with questions like, "is God even real?"...i haven't abandoned this "christianity" thing. b/c i guess deep down i know there isn't anything else.
funny you mention the eternal things. the other night i was trying to go to sleep and it wasn't working b/c i was getting sort of freaked out by the concept of eternity. I was laying there practically crying b/c this concept is so far out of my thinking ability. I was like, "God, sure i want to spend a long time with you, but forever?" then he showed me that i was still thinking inside the box of time. that eternity has nothing to do with time at all. and that to do things in the world that matter, i have to think of them having eternal importance. which is basically loving God and loving others, and worshipping Him with what he's given me. we think it's so hard to live eternity minded...but is it really?
isn't it the times we lose ourselves in worshipping God that three hours goes by and we have no idea how? isn't it the time we spend with friends and loved ones that we wonder how it got to be 2 a.m. already? the time we spend at work or school serving and doing the best we can to spread the joy of the lord to those around us...the work seems less and the time goes by quickly? it is these times when we touch the eternal.
i know none of this is probably flowing, but oh well. i just want to let you know that i read it all, and that i could have written the exact same words, except using my name instead of yours.
hang on with the faith that lives inside you...the faith that won't let you go of God despite all the uncertainty.
-Liz
jill
when i read this i couldnt help but think of paul when he talked about running the race marked out for him. he said that he hadnt attained his prize, but he keeps running in hopes of reaching his goal.
when ever i read that passage, i automatically think that he is talking about holiness and purity. (probably because there are millions of sermons about it) i dont think that is what he was talking about when he wrote that, because he knew that it wasnt his strength that made him holy...running the race faster or better doesnt make a difference with GOd. our rightousness is like dirty rags.
i think the passion that inspired him to write those words, is the same passion that inspired you to write what you just did...
you may never see your dreams come true, but let that desperate desire push you to keep running, no matter what. Who knows why God puts dreams in us. have you ever considered that it isnt to see them come to pass, but maybe it is just to bring us closer to Him? i know i have dreampt about doing so many things, and i know that some of them were just tests to see if i would actually give all of myself in service to Him...He just wanted to see my love, and He wanted me to see my love for Him. sometimes it wasnt in the best condition
things get boring, "normal" sets in, but deep down you will always have that yearning for more...dont let it go! its a gift and it is from the Lord! we pampered american christians get so comfortable here. i rejoice when i get revelations like you just had, it makes seeking Him so much easier.
truly living. i dont have anything to say about it right now, except that i want to. that may mean moving to a place that can teach me how, and it might mean giving up things that are so normal to me...but i want to live, truly live, and i know that there is more life to have here on earth then i have experienced already.
trent
i know this feeling. it's a slightly different feeling for me, but yeah, the heart of these words drive really deep within me.
i sit here morning after morning at work and ponder what's missing...what is keeping me from being more of the 'bride' of Christ that i know He is calling me to be? so yeah, i'm not sure how to express what i'm feeling well either, but i do know this...i'm tired of 'living'. i'm tired of just going on day after day and not being used, not making a difference. it seems that the past few years have just been a really dry time for me. i miss the fire. i miss the closeness to God that i had a while back. i miss the communication with Him that used to include almost every aspect of my day and not just during a quiet time in the morning or evening. i hate the fact that the only time i feel close to God any more is during a time of worship or one of the few quiet times where i actually think i see a glimpse of Him. i long for the intimacy that i once had with Him. where has it gone? why have i become content with just living, just getting by?
i'm feeling so much more, but the words are just not there.
todd
amen and amen
i just had a conversation with a student yesterday about how we medicate ourselves and settle for so much less than we could have...
but i also commented how that medication becomes addiction, b/c it gradually takes more and more to cover the sham that is a life lived apart from God....
the frail disguise grows thinner each day, and each day i am presented with the choice of medicating myself with more of my drugs or a new combination of drugs... or i could choose to leave the drugs and, feeling the burn of withdrawl, really live...
Liz
i know you and i haven't ever really talked before, but hey...you and jill are friends, and so i feel i can reply to this.
a. c.s. lewis is my fave, and i can see you own at least a few of his books, i recognized my favorite part from "the weight of glory." i *love* that part.
b. are you me? every frustration of yours is also mine.
i have come to a place where i have so many questions that i don't have answers to. and so i have to hang on. i know that there must be an element of faith working in me. b/c even with questions like, "is God even real?"...i haven't abandoned this "christianity" thing. b/c i guess deep down i know there isn't anything else.
funny you mention the eternal things. the other night i was trying to go to sleep and it wasn't working b/c i was getting sort of freaked out by the concept of eternity. I was laying there practically crying b/c this concept is so far out of my thinking ability. I was like, "God, sure i want to spend a long time with you, but forever?" then he showed me that i was still thinking inside the box of time. that eternity has nothing to do with time at all. and that to do things in the world that matter, i have to think of them having eternal importance. which is basically loving God and loving others, and worshipping Him with what he's given me. we think it's so hard to live eternity minded...but is it really?
isn't it the times we lose ourselves in worshipping God that three hours goes by and we have no idea how? isn't it the time we spend with friends and loved ones that we wonder how it got to be 2 a.m. already? the time we spend at work or school serving and doing the best we can to spread the joy of the lord to those around us...the work seems less and the time goes by quickly? it is these times when we touch the eternal.
i know none of this is probably flowing, but oh well. i just want to let you know that i read it all, and that i could have written the exact same words, except using my name instead of yours.
hang on with the faith that lives inside you...the faith that won't let you go of God despite all the uncertainty.
-Liz
jill
when i read this i couldnt help but think of paul when he talked about running the race marked out for him. he said that he hadnt attained his prize, but he keeps running in hopes of reaching his goal.
when ever i read that passage, i automatically think that he is talking about holiness and purity. (probably because there are millions of sermons about it) i dont think that is what he was talking about when he wrote that, because he knew that it wasnt his strength that made him holy...running the race faster or better doesnt make a difference with GOd. our rightousness is like dirty rags.
i think the passion that inspired him to write those words, is the same passion that inspired you to write what you just did...
you may never see your dreams come true, but let that desperate desire push you to keep running, no matter what. Who knows why God puts dreams in us. have you ever considered that it isnt to see them come to pass, but maybe it is just to bring us closer to Him? i know i have dreampt about doing so many things, and i know that some of them were just tests to see if i would actually give all of myself in service to Him...He just wanted to see my love, and He wanted me to see my love for Him. sometimes it wasnt in the best condition
things get boring, "normal" sets in, but deep down you will always have that yearning for more...dont let it go! its a gift and it is from the Lord! we pampered american christians get so comfortable here. i rejoice when i get revelations like you just had, it makes seeking Him so much easier.
truly living. i dont have anything to say about it right now, except that i want to. that may mean moving to a place that can teach me how, and it might mean giving up things that are so normal to me...but i want to live, truly live, and i know that there is more life to have here on earth then i have experienced already.
Saturday, March 24, 2001
Over the Rhine
Some movies make me want to be bigger than myself. Almost Famous happens to be the movie of the hour. Sometimes its movies like Shawshank, or Good Will, or even Say Anything. They make me step back and take a look at myself. Not that they're anything profound or anything, but they touch something inside of me that doesn't get touched all that often. It doesn't have to be a movie. Sometimes its a concert that transcends mere music. I remember a Waterdeep show doing that for me once. The Violet Burning another time. Sometimes its a conversation with a friend, or perhaps a week hanging out with someone else that actually gets it. That actually gets a bit of what living is all about. That gets what its like to live outside of your own little world. For me, I get stuck in my own little world all too often. I'm an introvert to the core. Most of the time I enjoy the landscapes in my mind more than the dynamic landscapes around me. Most of my friendships are shallow. Not shallow in the normal sense of the word. I would give my life for most of my friends. Perhaps they would for me, too, I don't know. But few people really know me. And that's by choice. I share myself with so few people. And I don't know why. And it rarely bothers me that few people know me. Oh, I have my moments. Times like tonights class party when I could hardly find someone to sit with that actually knew my name. Sure, that's tough. But most of the time I could care less. I'd just as soon sit at home on a Friday night alone and watch Almost Famous than go to "the" party of the year that the entire school is going to. That's just me. For good or bad.
But there are moments like I mentioned before, moments like what I'm feeling now. Legends of the Fall is another one that's done it for me. Something, anything that makes me stand up and take stock of my life. Of who I am. That allow me to see myself for who I really am, and maybe even a bit of what I could be.
I fell like I'm so short of the mark. Not just short of the righteousness mark, but short of the Christopher Shane Hall mark. The mark God had in mind when He made me. I've been spoon-fed apathy. Acceptance. Static. Staleness. Laziness.
I've hit a brick wall. I don't even know how to write how I feel. I don't even know if I should write it.
I have so many visions for my life as I'd like it to be. I've had all these visions. Visions of taking my med school by storm, inspiring many there to follow Him with zeal. Visions of inspiring others to worship. Visions of serving the poor. Visions of being a friend others love to have around and confide in. Visions of loving someone like she is meant to be loved. Visions of being so much more than I am. Visions of being a devoted follower. Visions of embracing my education. Visions of broadening my mind, of reading great works, of being inspired by great music and great poetry. Visions of friends that share my visions.
But I'm stuck. Every week is the same. Every month is the same. I've gone no where in the past year. Dare I say years? Sure, by God's grace and mercy I've managed to get this far, but where does God's work and action end and my responsibility and action begin?
So what about this movie inspired me to write? There was a story of love. There was a story of the uncool guy with a happy ending. What about the other movies inspire me? The nice guy stuck in a horrible situation finding freedom and the joys of freedom. The joys of life. The smart, misunderstood intelligent kid who gets the girl and gets the life he wants and that he's always dreamed of. That might be the common thread. The no name guy finding the life he's dreamed of.
And me, well, I don't think I'm anywhere close to the life I've dreamed of. I'm 24. I'll be 25 this year. Halfway to 50. Halfway through my 20s. 6 years removed from my teenage years. There are so many things I want to do. There are so many things I want to be. Yet I'm no where close to them. Sure, I'm in med school. I'll be a doc in 3 years. But that's not what I'm passionate about. Sure, the practice of medicine excites me. But that's not my passion. I've had way too many conversations with people about that to know that about myself. My passion is worship. My passion is exploring what love means here on earth. And yet I'm not really making any of that a reality. My worship doesn't extend beyond the time I spend strumming a guitar by myself. My only experience with love has been to take it to an extreme, really to an obsession that drove the person I loved more dearly than anything or anyone as far away as can possibly be imagined.
So here I am on a Friday night, writing I know not what, really, I guess hoping that by writing I'll somehow stumble across the answer I'm looking for. It's like if I write long enough, the answers will spring from the dark recesses of my mind, like they've somehow been there all along and I just haven't seen it.
I want to love God like He's meant to be loved. I want Him to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey" as kelly a. mentioned. I want Him to confide in me. I want to be able to confide in Him. I want a bit of heaven here on earth.
I want to live a larger life than I'm living. I don't want to be the uncool guy in the corner. But I don't want to be "cool" either. I just want to live. I want to live life abundantly. I want to quit getting trapped into wasting time on things that don't matter. I want my life to be about all things eternal. Maybe that's what I mean by living life larger that I'm living it. I want my 24 hrs everyday to be about eternal things. I'd dare say less than 30 minutes of every day I'm living now is about eternal things.
Oh man, that's it. Perhaps it was there in the recesses all along. I want to live eternally, and I want to live it now. Is it possible? Can one really live all things eternal now? Can one really live without the doldrums? Can everything really be about the eternal. Can the job flipping burgers really be about the eternal? Or can we only taste the eternal on special occasions here and there. I sure hope not. That's not my dream. My dream is for so much more.
I dream of beauty. I dream of life. I dream of greatness. I dream of greatness in His eyes. I'm hardly that.
So where does it begin? If one has a vision, how does one take that first step? Where does it begin when you've been so far gone? Is it simply enough to be like the prodigal and take the first steps on the road home, only to look up and see the Father running for you? Or does the journey have to be much longer sometimes? Or does the journey even always include the dreams and visions you've had?
I want to wake up tomorrow and breathe His greatness. I want to be empty of myself. I want to be rid of all this self-centeredness. I want to get rid of all this self-pleasure, self-entertainment, self-medication that does nothing but suck me inward so I never see the big picture. I want to hold onto this feeling of seeing more than I am. I want to shake myself of all the schemes the enemy drugs me. I want to no longer be satisfied with mediocrity.
"The greatest enemy of holiness is not passion; it is apathy." -eldredge
"And so Screwtape reveals the enemy's ploy--first make humans flabby, with small passions and desires, then offer a sop to those diminished passions so that their experience is one of contentment. They know nothing of great joy or great sorrow. They are merely -nice-." -cs lewis
"Give me a man in love; he knows what I mean. Give me one who yearns; give me one who is hungry; give me one far away in this desert, who is thirsty and sighs for the spring of the Eternal Country. Give me that sort of man; he knows what I mean. But if I speak to a cold man, he just doesn't know what I am talking about." -augustine
"He who has the Son, has life" -john
"Chris McCandless wrote, 'All hail the Phantom Bear, the beast within us all.' Well the 'Bear' so to speak has really been growling loud as of late. I seem to be daily wanting more out of my life than what I have been living. Leo Tolstoy wrote, 'I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in my quiet life.' And that really describes me well. I want more...more of God in my life...more intimacy with my friends...and I feel bad for wanting it. Everyone seems so content her and simple...and also I feel like I'm longing for nothing I'm certain of." -journey of desire
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." -proverb
"It can't be done. No matter how hard we try, no matter how clever our plan, we cannot arrange for the life we desire." -eldredge
I don't even know what I'm wanting to write now. It's all rambling. And will it even make a difference?
"We do not want merely to -see- beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words--to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it." -cs lewis
"...it is not -in- them, it only comes through them and what comes through them is longing...They are not the thing in itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited." -cs lewis
"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of--something, not to be identifed with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never -had- it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it--tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest--if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself--you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, "Here at last is the thing I was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all." -cs lewis.
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." -cs lewis
May I not be so easily pleased anymore, Lord God of the Universe.
Friday, March 16, 2001
i'm such a poor child. of God that is.
I betray Him every second chance I get.
Today was a very bad day.
A nothing day.
I've been back 4 days and already I've lost my excitement.
bleh.
is it Satan and his attacks?
Or is it me?
Or both.
Either way, I'm saddened to be here.
In this state.
Where is my passion?
Where is my zeal?
Once again, Am I so far gone?
I betray Him every second chance I get.
Today was a very bad day.
A nothing day.
I've been back 4 days and already I've lost my excitement.
bleh.
is it Satan and his attacks?
Or is it me?
Or both.
Either way, I'm saddened to be here.
In this state.
Where is my passion?
Where is my zeal?
Once again, Am I so far gone?
Sunday, February 18, 2001
so.
trent and i are waiting for eric/shannon/lara to show up to see house of mirth.
we decide to go to the centennial across the street to buy a drink to take into the movie.
yeah, the national liquor joint.
so. trent grabs his coke. no problem.
i stroll up to the counter with my dr. pepper.
"can i see some ID please?"
eh?
"it's a dr. pepper."
"yeah, i know. can i see some ID?"
story of my life.
24 years old getting carded for a dr. pepper.
please do contain your laughter.
[test tomorrow. hopefully i can get back to updating this deal later.]
trent and i are waiting for eric/shannon/lara to show up to see house of mirth.
we decide to go to the centennial across the street to buy a drink to take into the movie.
yeah, the national liquor joint.
so. trent grabs his coke. no problem.
i stroll up to the counter with my dr. pepper.
"can i see some ID please?"
eh?
"it's a dr. pepper."
"yeah, i know. can i see some ID?"
story of my life.
24 years old getting carded for a dr. pepper.
please do contain your laughter.
[test tomorrow. hopefully i can get back to updating this deal later.]
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
(ready to fall apart)
-the violet burning
some old poems i've written:
myself around you
so how do i be myself around you
when my heart's doing all these crazy things
and this crazy fear that tugs at my heart
that fears i may not be all that you think
an irrational fear that feeds doubt instead of faith
faith that God will unite my soul with one
meant for me as i for her
so why hide behind any pretense of what i think
you want me to be
why not let my heart shine forth for what it is
a light that will draw you to me or force you away...
with you
how can i tame the desire of a soul
that longs to be with you...
to share a simple breeze with you
on a warm spring day,
or maybe silly laughter at some random nothing.
just to enjoy your smile, your eyes,
and the joy that fills my heart at your happiness.
perhaps just listen to your voice,
to close my eyes and enjoy any and every moment
you'd actually choose to spend with me,
hoping to connect with your amazing heart, mind, and soul...
===
i was restless again today.
my soul was not stilled and quieted.
an example:
i feel like my hands are tied...
struggling between thoughts/beliefs/ideas i'm beginning to buy into
about how i want my friendships/relationships to be...
of not arousing or awakening love, or thoughts thereof, until it so desires...
and i can't even say what i'm feeling is anywhere close to love...
but it's the whole courting deal, you know...
the wooing...
but where we are right now...i don't know...
jesus, please take me to where you want me to be.
better yet, can you just take me to you?
to abide in your peace awhile would be nice.
just to abide awhile in you at all would be nice.
Monday, February 12, 2001
funny.
sitting.
staring.
rummaging through the unused corners of my mind.
looking for the right words to say.
to express a bit of my heart.
trying to find the right balance.
to compliment without pushing you away.
seconds turn to minutes.
and still no words.
maybe that's enough.
(would you laugh if you knew
the struggle i had finding the words to tell you?)
sitting.
staring.
rummaging through the unused corners of my mind.
looking for the right words to say.
to express a bit of my heart.
trying to find the right balance.
to compliment without pushing you away.
seconds turn to minutes.
and still no words.
maybe that's enough.
(would you laugh if you knew
the struggle i had finding the words to tell you?)
Sunday, February 11, 2001
earlier today it was all i could do
to simply take my next breath...
now each breath is filled
with joy and wonder...
is it always like this?
"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest...I have stilled and quieted my soul...
The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming is gone."
from the Journey of Desire
to simply take my next breath...
now each breath is filled
with joy and wonder...
is it always like this?
"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest...I have stilled and quieted my soul...
The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming is gone."
from the Journey of Desire
Saturday, February 10, 2001
such a challenge to control my feelings.
"take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
i'm so overwhelmed sometimes.
is it healthy?
is it healthy to have these feelings?
is it healthy to suppress them?
more than that, is it right?
to have them? to not...
He says he knows my thoughts,
knows the groanings of my heart
before i even speak them.
but that doesn't make the struggle any easier.
all i can do is sit here with my head in my hands...
and hope my feeble attempts at surrender
somehow lead to the land of comfort
or at least the security of our Father's arms...
it all comes down to trust.
do I trust Him enough
to curl up in His lap and stay awhile
to cease striving...
and give up all my arranging, my planning...
hoping
yea, even believing He'll take care of everything...
in its own time, in the best possible way...
what good will all this worrying do me?
He takes care of the flowers in the field...
surely He'll take care of me...
cease striving.
"take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
i'm so overwhelmed sometimes.
is it healthy?
is it healthy to have these feelings?
is it healthy to suppress them?
more than that, is it right?
to have them? to not...
He says he knows my thoughts,
knows the groanings of my heart
before i even speak them.
but that doesn't make the struggle any easier.
all i can do is sit here with my head in my hands...
and hope my feeble attempts at surrender
somehow lead to the land of comfort
or at least the security of our Father's arms...
it all comes down to trust.
do I trust Him enough
to curl up in His lap and stay awhile
to cease striving...
and give up all my arranging, my planning...
hoping
yea, even believing He'll take care of everything...
in its own time, in the best possible way...
what good will all this worrying do me?
He takes care of the flowers in the field...
surely He'll take care of me...
cease striving.
Friday, February 09, 2001
I wrote this once after watching The Matrix. written originally to a girl i was dating at the time...
Can you see how much our life is really like the Matrix? Except, change all the little articificial intelligences with the devil. He all too often has us believing this lie of the world around us. He's manipulated this great "environment" for us to live in (for satan is the prince of this world) (or something like that)...and we get so caught up in this environment, in all the many things to do and see and experience...we're so transfixed by the things of this world, that we lose sight of the greater spiritual world, where things happen for eternity, where lives are at stake for eternity...yet we're too busy worrying about what we're going to do this weekend or this month or this year that we're oblivious to the reality of eternal significant things going on all around us all the time...much like all the humans are oblious to the fact, in the matrix, that they're being pacified by a program that gives them comfort, when in reality they're just power sources for artificial intelligences...
and there -is- this greater power too...God offers us so much, and has equiped us with so much, to further his kingdom and thwart satan's plans....He's given us the Holy Spirit as we learned about on sunday...who can teach and guide us into all things...much like those programs they used to learn kung fu and how to fly a helicopter...the Holy Spirit can use us, and our bodies, to go into satan's strongholds...that's one reason i think God wants to use us as His temples...so He's not just residing in power in one place but in many...but how often do we actual offer God a body pure and holy enough for Him to reside in...
plus the fact He's given us all these tools, these gifts to use in the fight to save souls from Hell...all these blessings that we're supposed to be using, to bless others in the church, but much more so to bless others not saved...all with the goal of bringing them back to God...
man, if only i could have a bit of this perspective every day as i walk...i just laid there after watching the movie, listening to rage against the machine...and thought about how much i've been missing out on this battle...i rarely, if ever, see the world as God does...like Neo when he finally could see the matrix for what it was, and use that to his advantage...i was thinking how awesome it would be to be able to see, every time we meet someone near, every person that passes us on the highway, every person we brush past in the mall...if we could see what God saw, the battles being fought in their life...the firey darts satan was throwing at them, and what God was doing in response in hopes that they might all be saved...there are so many battles...6 billion people on this planet...and how many thousands we cross paths with every day...how many of those lives do we actually touch?....how many should we? what are God's plans for us for reaching those?....you know, i'd like to think God's plan for me wasn't just to be a nice, compassionate, friendly doctor that cares geniunely for his patients, and uses his gifts, knowledge, medical skill to help those who may not otherwise get it...that's not God's ultimate goal for me...it may be a tool He's going to use along the way...all this stuff, it's just stuff...they're never the ultimate...i mean, dang...as much as i love you...that's not one of the "ultimates" either...true, so very true, it's a blessing, and knowing you has made my life so much better, and more fun to live and adds so much more joy to my life, etc etc...and even some of these other things in this "environment" we live in...many are blessings from God...but may we never focus so much on the blessings that we lose sight of eternity...
well...i guess it's not like i just figured all that out, i've seen/learned/thought about most all that before...and much of it may be wrong, i don't know (this was typed directly after watching the movie, with my thoughts still churning)...but i wanted to get down my thoughts in one of these rare, seemingly "clear" moments of clarity...i'll probably wake up in the morning and be back in my little box of a world, rarely taking notice of the big picture, the eternal picture...i mean...i'd like to think right now, that if i saw this clearly all the time, i'd never fall into sin, because i'd see it for what it was, ask God to do His thing, and just never fall, never let sin establish its power....but i rarely see this clearly, and i get so caught up in self and this little boxy environment around me, that God gets pushed to a back corner of the mind, making the way clear for sin to set up shop....
how can one live with this clarity? this "big picture" mentality that sees with God's eyes, that's in on God's major plan, His Will, His Purpose, His Vision...is it even possible? or are we just allowed little glimpses here and there? that seems to be the case most often...just little glimpses of light, giving us just enough to make it to the next splash of light in the darkness....but is this just the way God does it cause of the way we live? Would He ever give us a clearer picture if we lived more closely in step with His? My immediate thought is no...cause of all these examples of the Bible where people were just told to "go", or simply to "follow me", or to wait 40 days in jerusalem for His Spirit, or to walk 7 times around the walls, or to take 5 stones and go fight the giant...My next thought is that's just too bad...it'd seem so much easier if we were in on the "secret" as it were...would not the fight be much easier? But i guess that's where, inevitably, faith and obedience comes in...God still wants us to be faithful and obedient, and i guess these periods of darkness are prime ways to excercise things like faithfulness and obedience, but not only that, they're good times for the fruits of the spirit to be poured...goodness shines much more brightly in darkness, as does patience, gentleness, self-control, etc...and hopefully these are poured out on others...because, i guess too...those who live in darkness, are just that...living in darkness....and maybe these periods of darkness (ie times without clarity)...maybe they help us reach those in the darkness more effectively...giving us opportunity to point out the places of light, the One Source of light and life....
Can you see how much our life is really like the Matrix? Except, change all the little articificial intelligences with the devil. He all too often has us believing this lie of the world around us. He's manipulated this great "environment" for us to live in (for satan is the prince of this world) (or something like that)...and we get so caught up in this environment, in all the many things to do and see and experience...we're so transfixed by the things of this world, that we lose sight of the greater spiritual world, where things happen for eternity, where lives are at stake for eternity...yet we're too busy worrying about what we're going to do this weekend or this month or this year that we're oblivious to the reality of eternal significant things going on all around us all the time...much like all the humans are oblious to the fact, in the matrix, that they're being pacified by a program that gives them comfort, when in reality they're just power sources for artificial intelligences...
and there -is- this greater power too...God offers us so much, and has equiped us with so much, to further his kingdom and thwart satan's plans....He's given us the Holy Spirit as we learned about on sunday...who can teach and guide us into all things...much like those programs they used to learn kung fu and how to fly a helicopter...the Holy Spirit can use us, and our bodies, to go into satan's strongholds...that's one reason i think God wants to use us as His temples...so He's not just residing in power in one place but in many...but how often do we actual offer God a body pure and holy enough for Him to reside in...
plus the fact He's given us all these tools, these gifts to use in the fight to save souls from Hell...all these blessings that we're supposed to be using, to bless others in the church, but much more so to bless others not saved...all with the goal of bringing them back to God...
man, if only i could have a bit of this perspective every day as i walk...i just laid there after watching the movie, listening to rage against the machine...and thought about how much i've been missing out on this battle...i rarely, if ever, see the world as God does...like Neo when he finally could see the matrix for what it was, and use that to his advantage...i was thinking how awesome it would be to be able to see, every time we meet someone near, every person that passes us on the highway, every person we brush past in the mall...if we could see what God saw, the battles being fought in their life...the firey darts satan was throwing at them, and what God was doing in response in hopes that they might all be saved...there are so many battles...6 billion people on this planet...and how many thousands we cross paths with every day...how many of those lives do we actually touch?....how many should we? what are God's plans for us for reaching those?....you know, i'd like to think God's plan for me wasn't just to be a nice, compassionate, friendly doctor that cares geniunely for his patients, and uses his gifts, knowledge, medical skill to help those who may not otherwise get it...that's not God's ultimate goal for me...it may be a tool He's going to use along the way...all this stuff, it's just stuff...they're never the ultimate...i mean, dang...as much as i love you...that's not one of the "ultimates" either...true, so very true, it's a blessing, and knowing you has made my life so much better, and more fun to live and adds so much more joy to my life, etc etc...and even some of these other things in this "environment" we live in...many are blessings from God...but may we never focus so much on the blessings that we lose sight of eternity...
well...i guess it's not like i just figured all that out, i've seen/learned/thought about most all that before...and much of it may be wrong, i don't know (this was typed directly after watching the movie, with my thoughts still churning)...but i wanted to get down my thoughts in one of these rare, seemingly "clear" moments of clarity...i'll probably wake up in the morning and be back in my little box of a world, rarely taking notice of the big picture, the eternal picture...i mean...i'd like to think right now, that if i saw this clearly all the time, i'd never fall into sin, because i'd see it for what it was, ask God to do His thing, and just never fall, never let sin establish its power....but i rarely see this clearly, and i get so caught up in self and this little boxy environment around me, that God gets pushed to a back corner of the mind, making the way clear for sin to set up shop....
how can one live with this clarity? this "big picture" mentality that sees with God's eyes, that's in on God's major plan, His Will, His Purpose, His Vision...is it even possible? or are we just allowed little glimpses here and there? that seems to be the case most often...just little glimpses of light, giving us just enough to make it to the next splash of light in the darkness....but is this just the way God does it cause of the way we live? Would He ever give us a clearer picture if we lived more closely in step with His? My immediate thought is no...cause of all these examples of the Bible where people were just told to "go", or simply to "follow me", or to wait 40 days in jerusalem for His Spirit, or to walk 7 times around the walls, or to take 5 stones and go fight the giant...My next thought is that's just too bad...it'd seem so much easier if we were in on the "secret" as it were...would not the fight be much easier? But i guess that's where, inevitably, faith and obedience comes in...God still wants us to be faithful and obedient, and i guess these periods of darkness are prime ways to excercise things like faithfulness and obedience, but not only that, they're good times for the fruits of the spirit to be poured...goodness shines much more brightly in darkness, as does patience, gentleness, self-control, etc...and hopefully these are poured out on others...because, i guess too...those who live in darkness, are just that...living in darkness....and maybe these periods of darkness (ie times without clarity)...maybe they help us reach those in the darkness more effectively...giving us opportunity to point out the places of light, the One Source of light and life....
Thursday, February 08, 2001
you're the best that I wish I'd had...
you're the best that I wish I'd had...
starflyer 59
So the struggle continues...
why can't i just give up?
why is surrender so hard?
trust as a child, that's all He asks...
yet i'm just a selfish child...
mine, mine, mine...
wanting everything for me..
so self focused, no big picture...
that's a pretty dirty heart you got there, mister...
how about trading it in for a nice clean new one?
dirty. selfish.
it's all the same, isn't it.
i never make it to the land of moriah.
i take all i can while i can
cause i'm gonna get mine.
God, kill this heart of mine.
burn away all that is not in line with your ways
let nothing remain, except that which pleases you...
Listening to Jewel again tonight. Way too many memories associated with that CD. Spirit.
And it always makes me wonder how something so beautiful could turn so ugly.
And it always makes me wonder if I'll ever have something that beautiful again.
But the memory of what was beautiful somewhat strenghtens my faith
That perhaps God will again bless me with something beautiful in the future
But you've heard that story a thousand times before.
And it will probably be repeated a thousand times more.
I've begun to realize, well, I've known it for a long time now...
It just keeps hitting again and again...
that my emotions are way too easily swayed.
My hope is never constant. My eyes always fall to the waves crashing around.
Or perhaps my ears are a little too attentive to the seeds of doubt the enemy plants...
They're simple things really.
A couple holding hands.
A breathtaking sunset.
A warm spring day.
Do you know the fear?
Some quotes from a random website I found...
There is more to life than increasing the speed.
Mahatma Gandhi
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
Rainer Rilke
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Michelangelo
more to come later...
And it always makes me wonder how something so beautiful could turn so ugly.
And it always makes me wonder if I'll ever have something that beautiful again.
But the memory of what was beautiful somewhat strenghtens my faith
That perhaps God will again bless me with something beautiful in the future
But you've heard that story a thousand times before.
And it will probably be repeated a thousand times more.
I've begun to realize, well, I've known it for a long time now...
It just keeps hitting again and again...
that my emotions are way too easily swayed.
My hope is never constant. My eyes always fall to the waves crashing around.
Or perhaps my ears are a little too attentive to the seeds of doubt the enemy plants...
They're simple things really.
A couple holding hands.
A breathtaking sunset.
A warm spring day.
Do you know the fear?
Some quotes from a random website I found...
There is more to life than increasing the speed.
Mahatma Gandhi
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
Rainer Rilke
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Michelangelo
more to come later...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)