responses to the mar 24 deal:

trent

i know this feeling. it's a slightly different feeling for me, but yeah, the heart of these words drive really deep within me.
i sit here morning after morning at work and ponder what's missing...what is keeping me from being more of the 'bride' of Christ that i know He is calling me to be? so yeah, i'm not sure how to express what i'm feeling well either, but i do know this...i'm tired of 'living'. i'm tired of just going on day after day and not being used, not making a difference. it seems that the past few years have just been a really dry time for me. i miss the fire. i miss the closeness to God that i had a while back. i miss the communication with Him that used to include almost every aspect of my day and not just during a quiet time in the morning or evening. i hate the fact that the only time i feel close to God any more is during a time of worship or one of the few quiet times where i actually think i see a glimpse of Him. i long for the intimacy that i once had with Him. where has it gone? why have i become content with just living, just getting by?

i'm feeling so much more, but the words are just not there.

todd

amen and amen
i just had a conversation with a student yesterday about how we medicate ourselves and settle for so much less than we could have...

but i also commented how that medication becomes addiction, b/c it gradually takes more and more to cover the sham that is a life lived apart from God....

the frail disguise grows thinner each day, and each day i am presented with the choice of medicating myself with more of my drugs or a new combination of drugs... or i could choose to leave the drugs and, feeling the burn of withdrawl, really live...

Liz

i know you and i haven't ever really talked before, but hey...you and jill are friends, and so i feel i can reply to this.
a. c.s. lewis is my fave, and i can see you own at least a few of his books, i recognized my favorite part from "the weight of glory." i *love* that part.

b. are you me? every frustration of yours is also mine.

i have come to a place where i have so many questions that i don't have answers to. and so i have to hang on. i know that there must be an element of faith working in me. b/c even with questions like, "is God even real?"...i haven't abandoned this "christianity" thing. b/c i guess deep down i know there isn't anything else.

funny you mention the eternal things. the other night i was trying to go to sleep and it wasn't working b/c i was getting sort of freaked out by the concept of eternity. I was laying there practically crying b/c this concept is so far out of my thinking ability. I was like, "God, sure i want to spend a long time with you, but forever?" then he showed me that i was still thinking inside the box of time. that eternity has nothing to do with time at all. and that to do things in the world that matter, i have to think of them having eternal importance. which is basically loving God and loving others, and worshipping Him with what he's given me. we think it's so hard to live eternity minded...but is it really?
isn't it the times we lose ourselves in worshipping God that three hours goes by and we have no idea how? isn't it the time we spend with friends and loved ones that we wonder how it got to be 2 a.m. already? the time we spend at work or school serving and doing the best we can to spread the joy of the lord to those around us...the work seems less and the time goes by quickly? it is these times when we touch the eternal.

i know none of this is probably flowing, but oh well. i just want to let you know that i read it all, and that i could have written the exact same words, except using my name instead of yours.

hang on with the faith that lives inside you...the faith that won't let you go of God despite all the uncertainty.

-Liz

jill

when i read this i couldnt help but think of paul when he talked about running the race marked out for him. he said that he hadnt attained his prize, but he keeps running in hopes of reaching his goal.
when ever i read that passage, i automatically think that he is talking about holiness and purity. (probably because there are millions of sermons about it) i dont think that is what he was talking about when he wrote that, because he knew that it wasnt his strength that made him holy...running the race faster or better doesnt make a difference with GOd. our rightousness is like dirty rags.

i think the passion that inspired him to write those words, is the same passion that inspired you to write what you just did...
you may never see your dreams come true, but let that desperate desire push you to keep running, no matter what. Who knows why God puts dreams in us. have you ever considered that it isnt to see them come to pass, but maybe it is just to bring us closer to Him? i know i have dreampt about doing so many things, and i know that some of them were just tests to see if i would actually give all of myself in service to Him...He just wanted to see my love, and He wanted me to see my love for Him. sometimes it wasnt in the best condition

things get boring, "normal" sets in, but deep down you will always have that yearning for more...dont let it go! its a gift and it is from the Lord! we pampered american christians get so comfortable here. i rejoice when i get revelations like you just had, it makes seeking Him so much easier.

truly living. i dont have anything to say about it right now, except that i want to. that may mean moving to a place that can teach me how, and it might mean giving up things that are so normal to me...but i want to live, truly live, and i know that there is more life to have here on earth then i have experienced already.