The Onion Archives - News In Briefs: "VOLUME 31 ISSUE 18 %u2014 13 MAY 1997
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1
CHICAGO%u2014In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. 'The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional,' study leader Kenneth Stalls said. 'America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates.' Added Stalls: 'At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like.' High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, 'All I know is, we're in love.'"