well, my sister's wedding was yesterday.

and since my blog page is down with this @home crap, i'm posting some stuff here. this will be more about me and my thoughts and less about what the actual wedding was like.

it didn't really hit me that my sister was getting married until i was walking my mom down the aisle. then i thought, "dang, i'm walking my mom down the aisle for my sister's wedding. wow."

i'm usually pretty strong about where i stand with girlfriends and relationships, or more specifically the lack thereof. but yesterday was tough. coming one day after my 25th birthday, still nowhere close to not being single (no comments on this, please...i'm tired of talking about the "there's a ton of girls that would like you" stuff...cause it's never someone i want it most to be, unfortunately...).

anyway, i can't count how many times i was asked (and, of course i saw this coming, but one can never prepare oneself for this), "so, when is yours?" or "are you next?" or "still single?" or "you better hurry up and find someone" or "your letting all the good ones get away" or whatever. (yeah, they said it "your letting" not "you're letting" )

i think the best example of such an interaction was when my dad's sister asked, "so, how many more years do you have?" referring, of course, to when i would be next. i just laughed (ha) and said, "oh, i was hoping i'd live for another 50 years of so." funny to me at the time, anyway.

not so bad, really, looking at each individual encounter. but repeat the above 25 times and it starts hitting you from different weird angles. you can only do that nice little superficial laugh and makes jokes shrugging it off and say things like "my 15 year-old sister will probably beat me to it" and "hey, yeah, i hope it's me next" and "cross your fingers" and "maybe i'll get lucky someday soon" so many times.

and, to top things off, heidi was there. the girl who i've wanted to win for the past 2 years. who is probably days away from getting engaged to someone else, after basically rejecting my courtship. oh, sure, she values my friendship. but she wants to spend her life with someone else.

"your eyes shine for someone else." -honey

i asked my mom, who was a college roommate of *****'s mom and knows her fairly well, where i went wrong with *****. she said, "God just has someone better for you." true, probably. and maybe 40 years from now i'll look back and agree with her statement.

i just have a hard time believing it this, the 2nd day of december at 5:15 in the evening.

so, my heart ached for the rest of the day yesterday. it was a struggle to keep the tears back. they just rested there, a gentle weight threatening to tear down my defenses with one soft stroke.

i don't know what it is, really. i'd love to be able to fall for some of the girls that have expressed an interest me over the past couple of the years. heck, i'd love to fall for any one of them. but i just can't. *it's* just not there. they are great, beautiful women of God, and will do great things for Him with whoever they end up with. but that yearning to spend my life with them just isn't there. and, of course, it's not anything i am consciously choosing. you can't force love. so i know i shouldn't feel bad about it, but sometimes i do.

and, so, maybe that's how it was with *****. or ******. the two girls in my life that were pretty much everything i thought i wanted. and i'm sure God will show me otherwise. and i'm so very happy for them where they are now, and they're both good friends to this day. but maybe that's how they felt about me. thought i was a great guy and all that, but just didn't have that something that would have made them fall for me. if that makes any sense. maybe i can take the optimistic view that it works both ways sometimes.

anyway. that was a tough day. and, i must admit, there is that lingering fear that i'm "letting the good ones slip away." i suppose those thoughts were inevitable.

i'm not, at least for now, going to shy away from everything i dream of finding in someone. it's just sometimes hard to believe someone else out there, somewhere, is waiting to find me. after all these years.

(sheesh, i'm only 25. why the heck are these thoughts even around. hopefully it's just a "phase" that happened to be exacerbated by the wedding and the birthday. we'll see.)

(though i think part of the problem is everyone i looked up to growing up, especially my youth pastor who i admired so much, were all married happily to lovely people by the time they were 24 or 25. i think i was just expecting too much. and eldredge has taught me a lot about expectations, and how easily they are misplaced.)